By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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