I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
