you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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