she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
