did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
