He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
My liver just had a heart attack.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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