A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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