Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
