Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I think people are normalizing furries
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
