I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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