thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
it's like iHOP with fire
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
