He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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