SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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