Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
