Just cropdusted the office
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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