Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
