you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
