Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
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I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
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God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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