yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
no, he came in my armpit
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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