Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
