My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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