I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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