i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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