there's paper in my vomit.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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