We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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