Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
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We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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