your parents love me but you hate me
I wish they made helmets for livers.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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