We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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