Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
