HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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