I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
