I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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