After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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