xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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