1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
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nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
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Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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