hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
