in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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