my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
