it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
