My sheets look like a crime scene.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
