READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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