i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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