i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
