I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
