thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
