First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
