The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
