smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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