last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
not ubering you a puppy
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
