shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
