:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The air taste purple.
Randomize
