Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
