Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
