just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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