Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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