Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
