thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
