Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
