I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
