OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
