she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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