Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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